We have all been there. The dreaded start to the holiday season around the Thanksgiving table involving the relatives asking 'oh so innocently': "So, tell me... are there any men in your life?" Instantly you choke a little on your food hoping that the few extra seconds before you answer will afford you enough time to come up with a relatively intelligent (aka evading/changing of the subject) answer so you don't look like the 'eats Ben & Jerry's with a side of wine while watching chick flicks alone every Saturday night girl' you've grown accustomed to being. Sadly, no well thought out plan of attack on this question ever gets you out of everyone at the table collectively realizing that a). you just chugged down that rest of your wine and b). she is most definitely still single.
So what's a girl to do? It is always an awkward conversation that really doesn't make you feel any better and you're already feeling pretty craptastic after eating all of that turkey and pie. You're standing there and everyone wants to know what the "man" situation is. Perhaps us single girls need a few helpful responses to inquiries into your dating life to help alleviate the need for an emergency "I think mom needs help in the kitchen" excuse throughout the holidays. And if these don't work, I give you permission to carry around a bottle of wine with you and start singing "Bottoms Up" at all family gatherings through New Year's... Can I get that 'tron? Can I get that Remy? Could I get that Coke? Could I get that Henny? Could I get that margarita on the rock-rock-rock-rocks? Could I get salt all around that rim-rim-rim-rim.......
1.) "I'm just focusing on school/career/enjoying my independence." - I like this one because it at least makes you sound responsible.
2.) "I caught him cheating." - I like this one because it makes him sound like an asshole (p.s. doesn't matter if this is true or not... or even if there was even a guy to begin with. It takes the focus off of you).
3.) "His mom didn't give him permission to be out after 11:00pm." - No one likes a momma's boy and neither will your family. Problem solved, they don't like him and he never even existed. You can now move on to pumpkin pie.
4.) "I've decided to go Occupy Wall Street for awhile." - Politics is a no-no at the holidays... everyone will instantly down their wine and you are free to go get seconds.
5.) "Jesus is the only man I need in my life." - Religion is a no-no at the holidays... everyone will instantly down their wine and you are free to go get seconds.
6.) "I haven't found anyone worthy enough to procreate with yet." - At least you are thinking about the fate for your future children. Enough people breed who shouldn't, you're being thoughtful of the future our country.
7.) "I really wanted to spend time with just my family this year." - So what if it's been "just the family" for the past 7 years..... not that you're counting or anything.
8.) "Dr. Phil said “It’s better to be healthy alone than sick with someone else.” - How very introspective and philosophical of you...
9.) "Having a significant other during the Holidays means I'll have to spend money on them. Suze Orman would not approve me on her 'Can I Afford it?' segment, so I had better do what she says." - You are the responsible and frugal one... they have to respect you for that.
10.) "I couldn't decide which guy to bring with me... the artist, the musician, the bad boy with lots of tattoos, the married man. The parolee unfortunately could get permission from his P.O. Which one would you have preferred?" - Better to have too many choices than not enough, right? The family can't fault you for 'expanding your horizons' and not settling for any one type of guy.
11.) "I'm pregnant." - Watching all of the blood rush out of your mother's face will be epic.
Brilliant!
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