I feel like I have gone plumb retarded and I am blaming you feelings. Yes you feelings.... I am talking to you. You are the one this in this world I avoid like the plague aside from music by Yanni and well actually the plague... but I detest and loathe you enough that I would rather get stabbed in the foot with a pencil then deal with you. Yet, somehow, you have decided to over-run my life these past few months.
These aren't the feelings that people experience when walking down the street with their dog on a sunny afternoon, or after a ginormous bowl of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, or after getting stabbed in the foot by said pencil. I'm talking about the feelings where when one person walks into a room, your heart stops and drops and perhaps rolls, and you can't help but wish that moment lasted forever because it's the moment where you have felt the most content all day. These are feelings on steroids.
And these are the feelings that I hate the most. I can't stand feeling completely helpless. I can't stand second guessing every move I make out of fear they will think less of me. I hate feeling like I will never be as great in their eyes as they are in mine. I fear that any second something better will come along and they will be gone, out of my life, and never look back. I hate that I care too much. I'm annoyed that I wear my heart on my sleeve and can't seem to keep my sleeve attached to my shirt... I really hate losing my sleeve, such an unsightly look.
Does it ever get easier? Is there ever a time when you don't feel like a complete fool and again... plumb retarded?
I keep looking back on all my past relationships and can pin point so many things I wish I hadn't done. Things that the current, practical, grown-up side of me would love to slap younger, delusional, immature self for. Yet, I find myself doing so many similar things as of late. The biggest of which is constantly second guessing every move I make. I can't stand feeling like everything I do is wrong. Like everything I say isn't the right thing. Like every smile isn't enough and unnoticed. Like every time I have a bad hair day it's the end of world. What is wrong with this picture? We've reached complete neurosis at this point.
These are the feelings I have been avoiding for the past six single years of my life. It's been so much easier to pretend I have no heart, that I could care less if I ever felt anything for anyone again, and that being alone with my 30 cats when I'm 80 really isn't that bad after all. But then it happened. Out of nowhere. I wasn't prepared and now here I lay on the floor a crumpled ball of a chaotic mess of feelings I can't even begin to untangle.
Yet, somehow, someway, the untangling must begin. It is not very becoming of a young lady to allow such a thing such as feelings get the best of her. Each day it does get a little bit easier. I am thankful for the times I could genuinely smile because yes, it was actually genuine and worthwhile. These are the precious moments that I will hold on to. And yes, the wall will go up again and I will most likely limp along for a wee moment or two (because no one can get beat like this and come out unscathed), but I will survive... Gloria Gaynor says so.
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